“I never wanted anybody more than I wanted you.”—
(via streeetcats)
I am just mad that I can’t save everyone I love. And I’m just mad that no one can save me.
I feel like my life is a series of unanswered phone calls and mistakes.
some fucked up shit
I think I’m more fucked up than I’ve ever been. I’ve been in some fucked up situations and they seem to have no end, but this one. This year really fucked me up. Let’s see. 2016-2017 consisted of my parent’s fucked up, bitter, emotionally draining, tragic, eye opening divorce. My dad moved to the philipenes and abandoned my family. I wrecked a car. I quit a good job with a 401k because I was pushed out of it by shitty people in management. I got convicted of possession of marijuana, thank god I had a good lawyer who got it dismissed and it is no longer on record. Silver lining? Let’s not forget that I am in an unsteady living situation in a huge house that could be swiped away from me without any warning because the owner wants to sell it. Uhmmmm what else? I’ve been in this god awful emotionally abusive relationship for over a year now. I’ve never been treated so badly by a man until I fell in love with Justin. He’s ruined me. He’s made me feel like a complete piece of shit. A sub-human. Someone so depressed, I don’t even recognize myself. He tells me I have not grown since we’ve been together, but doesn’t tend to any sort of growth. Has nothing kind to say to me and criticizes my every move. I don’t tolerate it, so we fight. He tells me I irritate him and he makes sure to let me know in anyway he can. I’ve never had such a tumultuous relationship until him. But I’ve never really loved someone so deeply. And honestly it’s heartbreaking because I have always loved deeply, deeper than the person I love, and I have never been appreciated until I am gone. My ex still loves me and I still love him in a way that you care about someone you spent a crazy amount of time with. So it confuses me that someone I love acts like they actually hate me. This week changed things for me though. I cheated on him with someone I had had a fling with in the past. A married man no less. Someone I care about and always will. Whatever. I’ve been treated like shit for so long. I was just acting out. And here I am trying to rationalize it. I’m stuck in this sickness. Physical and mental sickness. Insanity really to try to even make something so so so broken work. But I’m caught up in something that will never be okay. I don’t know why I continue to try. Maybe it’s because I would die inside if I ever saw him with another bitch. Maybe it’s because I love his cat. Maybe it’s because I love his family. Maybe it’s because I’m a self destructive asshole and I hate myself. Maybe it’s because of that psychological investment theory that if you put a shit ton of time and energy into something, it makes it worth fighting for or continuing. All of these things kill me. Slowly. So painfully. The worst thing about this year is that I have lost myself. My purpose. My drive. My ambition. I feel like what Justin has said about me is true. That I really am a piece of shit. Some people probably would have ended it all already. I, on the other hand, would never do such a thing. Perhaps I enjoy suffering. Perhaps I know that despite the way I have been treated this year, I still have people who genuinely give a shit about me and would be fucked up if I ended it. I’m not selfish enough and I never have been. Perhaps I have more to live for. Travel, adventure and things I still feel like I need to accomplish. I have hope for a better future. I am just stuck right now. Heartbroken and stuck. Shit changes all the time though. I am waiting for that. GOD DAMN I. I AM SO FUCKED UP. I’m drowning man. Somebody send help lol.
Happy #Halloween 💀 Art by unknown, Don Ivan Punchatz, Bob Eggleton, Bruce Pennington